I woke up this morning and I cried. I was late for the gym, but I went anyway. Why? Because my island, the place I call home taught me in just 24hrs, one day of my existence, that I’ve lost control over yet one more aspect of my life. I have to hold onto any and everything that I can control before there isn’t anything left. So I went to the gym. And my soul and heart are slowly going down with each minute since and I’m just feeling like I might as well give up on life.
So yeah. I cried. I thought it was because I was sad at the results but that’s not it. As I thought through the sadness I realised my life didn’t matter. It wasn’t that the island is hateful, it wasn’t that what I knew all along would happen happened. It’s the simple fact that I don’t matter. And anyone else like me also doesn’t matter. Someone has been given the power to decide whether I can be happy. That someone was not a god of any kind but the citizens of Bermuda. And they clearly voted that anyone part of the LGBT community is not important. Second class citizen, undeserving of the rights given to them because they are heterosexual and not because they are Christians.
At the realisation that no one cares I just began to feel worse. I put my vote out in faith that just once this island would finally prove to me that it was a place worth living in, that all humans mattered. What I got back was exactly what I expected. Hate, hypocrisy, and people with a lot of mouth who didn’t vote. I learned that if you want to force your beliefs on the mass populace you can. That if this were war we would be the Jews and the christens would be Hitler. We are the slaves and the Christians are the white man. We are the oppressed and are being oppressed by the very people who fought so hard for their own rights. Honestly if all gays where black and all Christians were white would they agree with this behaviour. Yes. Yes they would because the bible was used then as justification for hate and that’s what is being done now. There is no difference.
I feel lost in a sea of pain heaped on me by people who believe it is their job to police the actions of others. My Bermudian people don’t care about all Bermudians. They only care about themselves. And to all the married men and men with girlfriends and fiancés, and every one of the DL and discrete with their online sex profiles, if you do believe in god and voted no, that’s’ some of the biggest punkass weak shit you could’ve ever done. God is watching and he knows you’re a homo in the sheets and Christian in the streets. Pushing your hate propaganda like you aren’t part of the problem.
I just wish that I could’ve woke up proud. That I wouldn’t spend the entire day on the verge of tears wondering if breathing is worth it at all. And more importantly the fact that no one cares I feel this way. My pain, my hurt, my struggle, my will to be my true self without judgement is irrelevant when it doesn’t fit into people's preconceived and conditioned aspects of what a man or woman should be.
Love doesn’t always win. Love isn’t unconditional. Beliefs are apparently laws in which case why even bother have a government stand for all the people. Might as well just pic a religion and let them govern the country. It’s obvious the government doesn’t care either because they made this referendum happen and now look where we are. Making history as another country fuelled by religious hypocrisy and hate.