Saturday, 29 April 2017

I Don't Check Out People Anymore

Yup, it's true.  Truth be told I have no idea when this actually happened.  Sometime in the past three years or so.  I just noticed where I used to look at a guy and let my author mind run wild.  Now when I look at people I actually get depressed.  I've made it to a point where it's just not worth it anymore. Working on me just makes more sense.  It was bound to happen at one point.  Even when I cared about relationships I still didn't just up and leave my house for the random meet.  Mind you people thought I was.  I just didn't care enough to set them straight.

The problem really is what I want.  During episodes of HGTV shows, I spend most of my time looking at the workers.  The type of people that it would be a cold day in hell if they liked me and it would probably freeze over if they did by the time they admitted it.

Sometimes you have to just say fuck it to all the shit you've been told.  People who make you feel bad for having a type or things that you want out of a relationship.  You wake up and realise you know what will make you happy and realise you've been searching by the rules you've been taught and neglecting your own instincts.  That's what loneliness does to you.  You lose sight of yourself and constantly convince yourself that it's your fault.  You should be more open, you should be more this or that and then you end up fucking things up, and the cycle goes through again.

I literally look at someone these days go oh he's cute and... that's it.  My mind immediately disengages because I don't have time to be pining for something that doesn't want me back.  Shit, I look at people these days and immediately start looking for their girlfriend or wife.  I'm totally convinced before I even have evidence that anyone I find interesting is unavailable.  I used to make up fantasies of the life I could have and smile and now those exact same alternate realities just make me feel empty.  Instead of why can't I have that it's now I will never have that.  

So yeah.  I try, I really do.  TO think all the things I used to think if I saw someone attractive but I just can't.  I figure if I'm not happy with myself imagining fake relationships with obviously straight people isn't going to make it better.  And sometimes I wonder how it got so bad that I just don't care enough anymore.  How do you become so jaded that you can't even pretend anymore.  I just don't see it happening and I owe it to myself to not just do the do because I'm desperate and lonely because I've always been that.  Maybe it's time to choose to just deal with it.

I have book reviews to type, languages to learn.  fitness to earn.  A shift of focus to a me that cares more about me is needed.  Depression I can't fix so why not fix what I can.  I'll save those rare moments for watching the teams on pretty much every HGTV program or DIY when I can actually envision that type of person being in the same bed as me until my life's end.  Till then... it's time for some me love to enter my world and I'm unconcerned with anyone who isn't on my self love train.

Friday, 14 April 2017

Supossed to be Quitting

So I am supposed to be giving up on this authoring business.  To be fair the only thing I've written has been poems.  Trying to do the April poetry month challenge.  I realise that I'm wasting away sharing my shit all the time daily and I'm already four poems behind and my stress levels are still the same. This is actually why I'm supposed to be quitting writing.  

I did however finally re-edit one of my novels.  Dana, it really needed some love and that was fun. Something artsy that didn't require sharing or the hopes people would buy it. I just did it cause I wanted to and actually enjoyed doing it.  One part of being an artist in ways that benefit my well-being, success.

Thursday, 13 October 2016

I Cant Afford Food

All of last week i was averaging about two books a day.  I gloated got all excited so on and so forth.  Thanked shitloads of people.  Was flying high on success.  Now for more of my hardcore truth, though all of this happiness and positivity was genuine it isn't the truth entirely.  Thanks to everyone who helped by sharing my first few posts I finally got some exposure leading to things like this.  And I have reviews I didn't solicit coming which is always great.  So if you haven't read it this is the article where it all began and this is the blog post that got me going.

Thursday, 6 October 2016

The Poet The Reader And The Problem

So as a poet i tend to pretty much write about everything.  And I mean everything.  Half the stuff I write about has nothing to do with me.  Okay way more than half.  Just ideas, random musings that pop into my head that get put into physical form. But apparently this isn't true.

When I the poet write a poem it's almost always nothing personal.  I have an idea, an emotion that sometimes isn't even my own.  It's been expressed to me by friends I come in contact with or random things that show up in my facebook or google feed.  I sit back and go into that place, think, and write.  When I'm writing, yes it is all about me.  When I'm done it's all about did I say it well enough for people to understand it.  My edits are always minor.  A word here and there, spacing to make the poem look the way I want.  Comma placement, little things.  I almost never do any serious rewriting.  Hell I can't even remember doing anything that serious in the near past.  All these things are to make sure that I convey certain emotions well for the reader.

Monday, 3 October 2016

No One Cares If You Share Your Own Shit

So if you have been following me recently you know I dropped my nice guy act for a new more honest approach to selling books.  Basically likes and congratulations don't do shit but sales shares or both are everything.  If you want more and that go here.  So far it has been yielding results and getting me lesser comments from the positive reinforcement crew hence dropping all negativity off my feeds.  Let's start off with why this is negative.

Sunday, 25 September 2016

Shut Up Or Pay Up



Okay.  I bet you're wondering what's up with the photos.  The first is a friends post of my book that I posted on my site.  The second is my first review.  The rest are four of the six free chapters I posted during my books presale.  Amazon doesn't allow the preview function before the official sale date.  People are always overflowing with suggestions on how to market yourself so let's start simple.  According to just the clicks.  This one book has recieved over 1,200 clicks.  Paid reach is over 50,000 views.  And the views I reach totally on my own reached over 9,000.  And the likes, in the thousands for all except one.  It is safe to assume I do not have a problem reaching people.  So if this is not the problem what is?

Friday, 29 July 2016

Author Problems: Word Formatting Part One

So I use styles/headings to do my chapters as they have actual names otherwise I prefer to format font a spacing and all that manually it makes it easier to transfer files when all that hidden formatting isn't there. Way less glitches.

First thing to note the only automatic formatting I use is auto tabs. Ebooks don't like them and to all first-time authors, it's a bitch removing many tabs. Don't hit the tab button. Just don't. 200 pages of deleting tabs is painful.