Saturday, 29 April 2017

I Don't Check Out People Anymore

Yup, it's true.  Truth be told I have no idea when this actually happened.  Sometime in the past three years or so.  I just noticed where I used to look at a guy and let my author mind run wild.  Now when I look at people I actually get depressed.  I've made it to a point where it's just not worth it anymore. Working on me just makes more sense.  It was bound to happen at one point.  Even when I cared about relationships I still didn't just up and leave my house for the random meet.  Mind you people thought I was.  I just didn't care enough to set them straight.

The problem really is what I want.  During episodes of HGTV shows, I spend most of my time looking at the workers.  The type of people that it would be a cold day in hell if they liked me and it would probably freeze over if they did by the time they admitted it.

Sometimes you have to just say fuck it to all the shit you've been told.  People who make you feel bad for having a type or things that you want out of a relationship.  You wake up and realise you know what will make you happy and realise you've been searching by the rules you've been taught and neglecting your own instincts.  That's what loneliness does to you.  You lose sight of yourself and constantly convince yourself that it's your fault.  You should be more open, you should be more this or that and then you end up fucking things up, and the cycle goes through again.

I literally look at someone these days go oh he's cute and... that's it.  My mind immediately disengages because I don't have time to be pining for something that doesn't want me back.  Shit, I look at people these days and immediately start looking for their girlfriend or wife.  I'm totally convinced before I even have evidence that anyone I find interesting is unavailable.  I used to make up fantasies of the life I could have and smile and now those exact same alternate realities just make me feel empty.  Instead of why can't I have that it's now I will never have that.  

So yeah.  I try, I really do.  TO think all the things I used to think if I saw someone attractive but I just can't.  I figure if I'm not happy with myself imagining fake relationships with obviously straight people isn't going to make it better.  And sometimes I wonder how it got so bad that I just don't care enough anymore.  How do you become so jaded that you can't even pretend anymore.  I just don't see it happening and I owe it to myself to not just do the do because I'm desperate and lonely because I've always been that.  Maybe it's time to choose to just deal with it.

I have book reviews to type, languages to learn.  fitness to earn.  A shift of focus to a me that cares more about me is needed.  Depression I can't fix so why not fix what I can.  I'll save those rare moments for watching the teams on pretty much every HGTV program or DIY when I can actually envision that type of person being in the same bed as me until my life's end.  Till then... it's time for some me love to enter my world and I'm unconcerned with anyone who isn't on my self love train.

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