Thursday, 13 October 2016

I Cant Afford Food

All of last week i was averaging about two books a day.  I gloated got all excited so on and so forth.  Thanked shitloads of people.  Was flying high on success.  Now for more of my hardcore truth, though all of this happiness and positivity was genuine it isn't the truth entirely.  Thanks to everyone who helped by sharing my first few posts I finally got some exposure leading to things like this.  And I have reviews I didn't solicit coming which is always great.  So if you haven't read it this is the article where it all began and this is the blog post that got me going.

Now the truth.  I also paid for adds.  Since friday sept 30th I have been paying for facebook ads.  So the entire week everything that I posted showed up specifically  in Bermuda.  This got me half of the almost seventy books I sold in just over a week.  this included the article three poems two blog posts and the radio interview.  I have just about 200 dollars to spare to feed myself and save enough to pay my phone bill and other bills per week.  More than 100 of that goes easy on food.  And the rest doesn't cover my phone bill so I need two paychecks.  Plus my dad texts me instead of whatsapping me so I have a teeny monthly bill sometimes for him way over in America.  Though i got a lot.  about 80 or so followers in just one week, maybe more I just know I am over 1300 now, it wasn't worth it in the long run.  I spent well over 300 dollars.  Yup more than my savings hence I had to go into my savings to feed myself.  

The week before this I was already on a breakfast only diet to save money.  So to actually have to break this already bad decision to then be buying more than one meal a day because i couldn't afford to buy the one on my budget means i actually spent well over 400 dollars which means I would have to starve myself and magically make my bills disappear for two paychecks in order to make back less than what I spent and the bills would still be there with me hoping they would go away.  Like mortgage.

I sold books.  The most I ever have but 87 books is not enough.  I've proven my point.  It takes shitloads of money I don't have to get success however minimal it is.  And almost every friend I have to share my stuff, and even with all of this success is not yet on the horizon.  As soon as the money ran out zero sales.  People stopped sharing my shit.  Zero sales, and no i don't expect them to share everything but over 1300 followers across the globe.  Surely someone who hasn't already helped finds my stuff share-worthy.  I see poems and links and especially stupid memes with shares out the ass, and I struggle to get likes, which are useless, out of more than a thousand people, and my statistics say I reach hundreds of them with each post.

I have to accept the fact this book will fail like all the rest.  I have to choose between staying alive and my career dreams.  It sucks but i just can't starve myself anymore.  I can't pump thousands of dollars I don't have into this book again to see it fail like the rest.  And these are facts.  Please don't assume speaking the truth somehow means I don't believe in myself.  Am negative, or am not willing to put positive energy into the world.  Fact... none of all of that stuff will put the tens of thousands of dollars I need just to get back a few hundred.  Yes my 300 plus spent got me under 30dollars in return.  So yeah none of all that self-help speaking it into existence stuff will put money in the bank or the food in my belly that I haven't been eating.  Seriously I almost cried the other day scrapping burnt mac and cheese out of a pan at work because I knew I just couldn't afford food because i spent all my money and beyond on my book in one week.  Over two weeks of savings gone with very little to show for it.  But at least I know that it could work if I had the bank to pull it off.

So yeah my diet is awful I've been sneaking whatever scraps and I mean scraps cause it is the stuff sticking to the sides that no one wants usually that is left when they switch a pan for a new full pan of food to sell.  I can't eat the way i need for the gym membership i have to buy because internally I'm way weaker than i look physically.  Regular doc vids and that's the first question in the list do I exercises and how's my diet and I can't tell him that it's good anymore.  I have to gym even though it eats at my budget because It's part of literally keeping me alive.  You never know what people are going through even if you ask.  

So there it is.  After this hurricaine I will have to decide if I care about my health more than my success my dreams what i have sold my soul and my money to for a long time.  If health losses whatever free food I can get no matter how bad for my diet it is I will be eating, I will be on an eggs and bacon and grapefruit diet for breakfast.  Barely 3 to 5 dollars a day and that is all I will be paying for.  But I have a feeling this time this author dream won't win.  I just can't do it anymore, feel like I'm starving. Know i could be slowly killing myself with a bad diet in combination with the meds I am on.  Looking at the hours i spend in the gym versus the results I  actually get and know I could be in so much better physical shape and internal health if I had the funds to support it.  I'm just tired of the physical me not being the me that I want.  If I eat like i need too and if I exercise like I want, and give up writing so I sleep better, the headaches will go, the perpetual state of tiredness will go, I will be in good health and i will still probably be just over budget.  

I guess I've decided that if I am going to go for broke, pushing my art isn't the most beneficial in the long wrong.  It sucks cause I know maybe a year or so of this will get me where I want to be but I would die before i reached that year so again thanks to everyone but this is the truth.  And if all you see is my being negative and have no other instinct than to drop me encouragement, which i don't need seven books people i don't need a pick me up I am doing fine on the self-worth front, prayers and tell me everything happens for a reason you can't rush fate blah blah blah, then you aren't smart enough to see through all the bad news objectively and have totally missed the point.  Don't feel bad almost everyone does.  I'm used to it.

And in case you missed it, listen to this, read this, and buy this.  

1300 followers if they can't read and share my shit without me paying hundreds for them to do it then yeah it just isn't worth.

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