I woke up this morning and I cried. I was late for the gym, but I went anyway. Why? Because my island, the place I call home taught me in just 24hrs, one day of my existence, that I’ve lost control over yet one more aspect of my life. I have to hold onto any and everything that I can control before there isn’t anything left. So I went to the gym. And my soul and heart are slowly going down with each minute since and I’m just feeling like I might as well give up on life.
So yeah. I cried. I thought it was because I was sad at the results but that’s not it. As I thought through the sadness I realised my life didn’t matter. It wasn’t that the island is hateful, it wasn’t that what I knew all along would happen happened. It’s the simple fact that I don’t matter. And anyone else like me also doesn’t matter. Someone has been given the power to decide whether I can be happy. That someone was not a god of any kind but the citizens of Bermuda. And they clearly voted that anyone part of the LGBT community is not important. Second class citizen, undeserving of the rights given to them because they are heterosexual and not because they are Christians.
At the realisation that no one cares I just began to feel worse. I put my vote out in faith that just once this island would finally prove to me that it was a place worth living in, that all humans mattered. What I got back was exactly what I expected. Hate, hypocrisy, and people with a lot of mouth who didn’t vote. I learned that if you want to force your beliefs on the mass populace you can. That if this were war we would be the Jews and the christens would be Hitler. We are the slaves and the Christians are the white man. We are the oppressed and are being oppressed by the very people who fought so hard for their own rights. Honestly if all gays where black and all Christians were white would they agree with this behaviour. Yes. Yes they would because the bible was used then as justification for hate and that’s what is being done now. There is no difference.
I feel lost in a sea of pain heaped on me by people who believe it is their job to police the actions of others. My Bermudian people don’t care about all Bermudians. They only care about themselves. And to all the married men and men with girlfriends and fiancés, and every one of the DL and discrete with their online sex profiles, if you do believe in god and voted no, that’s’ some of the biggest punkass weak shit you could’ve ever done. God is watching and he knows you’re a homo in the sheets and Christian in the streets. Pushing your hate propaganda like you aren’t part of the problem.
I just wish that I could’ve woke up proud. That I wouldn’t spend the entire day on the verge of tears wondering if breathing is worth it at all. And more importantly the fact that no one cares I feel this way. My pain, my hurt, my struggle, my will to be my true self without judgement is irrelevant when it doesn’t fit into people's preconceived and conditioned aspects of what a man or woman should be.
Love doesn’t always win. Love isn’t unconditional. Beliefs are apparently laws in which case why even bother have a government stand for all the people. Might as well just pic a religion and let them govern the country. It’s obvious the government doesn’t care either because they made this referendum happen and now look where we are. Making history as another country fuelled by religious hypocrisy and hate.
I actually considered just giving up this morning and running away until one of the many things that’s wrong with me finally kills me and I die alone in obscurity. I’d probably be happier and I wouldn’t have to walk down the street and pretend I don’t care that every face I cross is the smug look of someone who knows they have the power to dictate my life—to choose how I live. To make me less than them. An outcast in my own realm.
But that’s been my day. I’m going to have to finally learn to ride a bike cause I don’t want to catch the ferry, I don’t want to catch the bus. I don’t want to have to look at the face of another Bermudian who thinks it’s okay to infringe on another person’s freedoms.
I’d go the it was illegal for blacks to get married once and so on and so forth but everyone is saying that. Until you live in a world where there are so many things you just refuse to say or do because all the Christian people in your network are secretly hoping to pray the gay away. Saying it’s all in love. Family friends, and you just smile and cry on the inside because you just want to be you and not speeched about how you shouldn’t be you. Until your very existence revolves around never saying I like boys everytime someone new meets you and goes on and on about how you need a girlfriend and when are you going to get married and so on and so forth. Until you live in a world where you’re always second guessing every action, every comment and get to the point where you are so lost on the inside that life itself becomes this thing that isn’t worth it. Until that happens to you, you will never understand what it means to have the majority of your own people vote to deny you the very same happiness they are getting for free because they are better than you. They own you. Just shut up and deal with it and stop crying like a little bitch about your freedoms and conform to our rule.
They will never understand how it feels to look that kind of hate and discrimination and lack of respect for their fellow men in the eyes of people you thought were your friends.
I’m so sad it hurts. I’m angry. And I am mad not because I feel these things, but that the fact that I’m gay means this island doesn’t care that I feel these things. In their eye’s I’m nothing. So I might as well just disappear. Just be done with it all and enter the dark. Because there isn’t any light here to speak of—no love, no compassion, no anything. So yeah. Might as well just walk into the black and say goodbye.