Sunday, 24 January 2016

Lonely Sucks... A lot

Okay I thought about this, I have been thinking about it a lot and I think today is the time to post it. Why? I've realised I don't actually live in the real world.  I live in this place where movie romances. (not the perfect ones, think more indie foreign not in an english language coming of age LGBT type romance.  Those things are far from perfect) where they exist.  Not just those but the books I read and the books I write.  If you've ever read one of my books you know my relationships are not perfect at all but yet somehow they still work.  And I find myself fantasizing daily on the type of life I could have with the type of people I can't have every-time I look at them during my day to day life.  I'm almost thirty-five and I've hit that point where I realise i'm not in the space both mentally physically or even financially to get out of this constant state of loneliness and on this island...  Never going to happen.

Firstly it's very obvious I like foreigners.  Asians, Portuguese and Italians are the ones we have the most of here.  Almost all of the ones here are married but it's not that that is the issues.  It's how they act and behave, how they interact with others from their own culture.  That english isn't even their first language.  I usually completely overlook my tall addiction because I just like these guys so much and I'm only five foot five.  And they are all around five nine/ten so they are taller than me anyway.  Not tall but taller than me.  Then white boys.  The tall ones.  The solid ones, either totally average type solid or buffed type solid.  But definitely not bodybuilder huge or slim,  Just solid.  And all of these guys no matter what race or culture, did i mention Indians?, anyways they tend to have hands I find amazingly attractive.  

I go into daydreams all the time about the type of life I know I cant have.  That person sitting laughing with me at the table.  That sort of connection that you can have when you share something beyond just friends and having a significant other to share it with.  That was how my day went today.  Staff Christmas party and I'm looking around at all these laughing people.  Cheerful people.  None of which are single, Some, their spouses are on island others not.  And I make a joke about how now one wants to touch me, or hug me and it's genuine but it's double sided.  I'm just depressed.  I Quite literally want to reach out and touch someone or be touched. And naturally I zone out for small moments making myself depressed over the fact that I can't just do this. (I lost count of the amount of times this crossed my mind.)   

All this touching just makes me remember how much touching I'm not getting.  Seriously I start to feel like all straight male bonding and all straight guy friend hugs to women and the lot should be banned.  I'm craving some sort of attention so bad I can't enjoy perfectly normal every day activities.  I spent more time imagining the life I want and feeling depressed that I couldn't have it that I couldn't really enjoy myself.

Even at work there's one particular contract worker, tall, dark hair, solid in that average kinda way.  Not over weight but not in shape.  Basically my kind of person.  And the more I see this person which thankfully is rare I actually get depressed.  There's no checking them out, no thinking oh he's hot.  Just shit, i'm never ever going to have the type of relationship I want with the type of person I want it with.  All day everyday I look at people and this is my first thought.  Walking on the street, on the bus, dinner, at work, I've lost the ability to check people out genuinely without either being depressed or blacking out to some fantasy dream world where the object at the time actually did like boys.  It's gotten so bad I actually have started entertaining the thought of being straight, fucking women being unhappy as fucks but at least having something solid that I can walk around with in the day time.   

I've lost count of the amount of foreigners who come here and say they are shocked and amazed at the amount of 'bisexuals' (if you only cheat on your wife/girlfriend with men you're gay.  A real bisexual would have girls and guys on the side.) But more than half which is probably under exaggeration is sleeping with men.  Way back when I was 21 I heard someone say they had never seen so many straight gay men in one place, which was a nice way of saying DL peeps.  The funny thing is these are usually straight people themselves so how do they know?  Because this supposed DL culture isn't so undercover it's just blatantly ignored, which is not the same thing.  Denial is fierce sometimes and very powerful.  Enough so to convince one that the island actually is conservative when it's the complete opposite.  

So here I am not wanting to play the game.  I'm not dating someone already dating, and looking at all the actual straight people, you cant tell the difference after awhile, and thinking shit, this is never going to happen.  I cruise through tumblr every night assuming that all the pictures I see are in real life the type of person I want to be with and even that depresses me now.  A switch has switched to the point of where I can no longer enjoy even looking at other guys because the back of my mind reminds me that the only ones I look at I can't have and I'm make believing, or changing them to fit my fantasies based out of desperation.  I've convinced myself they are all what I wan't and can't have and that's why I"m single and alone.

I wanna learn a few new languages just because I wan't to.  But every-time i play make-believe about me speaking another language I"m always somehow impressing some foreigner and trying to win them over knowing all the english speakers can't understand us.  Like I've landed on their turf.  Even my long term desire to speak multiple languages is now tainted with freeing my from this perpetual state of loneliness.  That plus the fact that I've made it to a point in my life where I feel that I deserve certain things and am no longer willing to just date because I'm so desperately lonely.  What should've been a fun day ended up being a day of half of the time being spent depressed and feeling lonely surrounded by people I genuinely love.

I've reached that point where I"m much better off without human interaction.  The more of it I have the more likely I am to think my life isn't worth living when I play out my perceived visions of the life they have that I don't.  And every-time I see a child.  A young one say under age two.  I think a family is so far out of reach cause the likelihood of the man I want also wanting them is like a Zero.  I'm so unhappy in my life, books that don't sell, man I don't have, musical I"mi struggling to get the desire to watch and finding it more and more impossible to live outside my head with age.  All these things add up to the shit that makes people commit suicide and I can't afford therapy so I just have to hide and cry and wake up the next day and live life again.

So yeah i'm not happy, every joke I post, every piece of encouragement I give.  All the things that make me look like a functional member of society are just things I do to hopefully fake it to make it.  It used to work but these days, I'm well aware of what I"m doing so it doesn't quite work.  So I"m going to close my eyes, live vicariously through my fantasies, try my hardest to have lucid dreams about the life I want.  That's another thing it's gotten so bad every-time I close my eyes to sleep I pray that I dream about the life i wish I could have.  It never happens.  I only have nightmares or your standard confusing what the fuck was that kind of dreams.  And keep writing books with the type of guys I dream with everything I have in me would actually want someone like me.  Accept the fact that this type of living is causing me to lose my grip on reality and suck it up and deal.  Who knows maybe a magically Someone tall, and masculine, this may be TMI but I have association issues.  I don't like to be spanked when fucking cause I immediately think of say torture, or correcting a child, the list is endless of things I just can't disassociate the act of spanking from.  The same with men.  I just for the life of me can not seem to flip the off switch when I"m dealing with feminine or flamboyant stuff.  The things I associate with women just jump out and I"m not attracted to women.  I've seen my share of porn, so visuals of how women act in porn movies just usurp my brain cells whenever a guy does anything even minutely similar to those things and I just can't do it.  Pulls me right out of the sexual act.   

Back to the point, tall masculine, tattoos tattoos tattoos, and perfect in their imperfections.  (i'm really not a fan of perfect at all) preferably english not as a first language will fall right out of the sky and hug me.  It may not seem like much but just simple physical contact is probably the biggest reason I fall in and out of relationship, not sex, not anything on my must have list.  Just people who are willing to just touch me, cuddle me hug me, and well yeah.  I'm just tired of being alone, especially being depressed.  I've noticed I"m tired of crying alone, tired of bitching to friends about how I hate life, tired of wanting to just give up and not having someone to just hold me that Is actually someone I want to be with and not someone i'm with because I don't want to be alone.  I"m over lonely and I'm pretty much giving up on ever not being this way.  

The shame of it all is that even knowing this,  I'm still going to go out and fantasize myself into a further depression.  Depression sucks and I"m so over living with it, and most importantly living with it alone.

1 comment:

  1. Why does short, fat, and bald headed not matter? Why does appearance matter? Samuel, you know me. You know I am married, with three children (22, 20, and 8) and you know I am as straight as they come. But even I know, this is not you. I think you are looking at it all wrong. You are looking at what the "books" tell you to look for. You are looking at what the websites say to look for. The Instagram. Twitter. G+.

    I am going to be honest here. I am going to be extremely sad, if Samuel quits showing up in my stream on google.

    Do you know what I feel? I feel you have quit looking with your heart. And until you quit looking with your mind, and once again start looking with your heart, things will not change, man. They simply will not change.

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