Monday, 7 December 2015

Waking Up Is Not Enough

I'm awake again today.  I know some people will find the following a little depressing but it's the truth.  I'm on an island, beautiful, nature is singing and the wind is howling on the beach behind my house.  The sun is shinning finally.  It does a lot of raining in winter and fall here.  Thunderstorms are the norm.  You may ask where here is.  It's the wonderful sunshiny island of Bermuda.  And that's where the wonder stops.  I could turn this into a 'why it's so sucktastic to be living here' blog but this is about me waking up.  So back to the point.
I will walk out my home for another day in my bipolar existence and will see something that makes me unhappy.  It is what it is.  I could blame a chemical imbalance and would be right but this is not the problem.  The problem is the world.  "You should be thankful you woke up this morning," they will say.  "You've been blessed with a healthy life," they will chirp like the birds singing outside my window.  "You have a job.  Lots of people don't have jobs these days"- and the chorus of endless things I should be shooting to the moon with positivity over continues.  It's like the perfect choir that never sings of key.  Always the same.  No fluctuation or deviation from what you've been told to say believe or do.  Conditioned to continuously find something happy.  Is it so wrong to actually not be happy.  I think not.  This is the problem.

People in general are zombies.  When life sucks they force themselves to be happy in the same things they were happy for yesterday.  I get it.  I understand it.  But being happy all the time is just as useless as being sad all the time.  If you are consistently overly positive to the extent that you cant see beyond your positivity you are closing yourself of to a plethora of possibilities.  It is the equivalent, again of being, negative all the time.  There are so many things you will not allow a window of chance to happen to you when you don,t embrace all life has to offer.

I find my self saying on the inside, "weren't you super thrilled to be alive yesterday".  How many days can you wake up and persist in being a ray of sunshine.  Even the weather changes from time to time.  We need rain for plants to grow, to much sunshine can destroy things.  And even in desert places there are still sand storms and other such things that disrupt the constant sunshine.  It's just shows a certain lack of an ability to deal with the real world when you constantly refuse to deal with it.  Sometimes things will get better.  Keeping a positive outlook is healthy.  But not to the point that when some of the bad things in life need your attention you neglect them.  So today your life sucks major ass.  It isn't the end of the world.  Embrace it like you should and admit that today you just dont feel like being a part of human society.  Tomorrow you probably will.

So am I a hater... yes.  Why... because if I tell you I had a bad day today the most acceptable response is, "yah well it gets that way sometimes", or something along those lines.  It's right up there with meeting someone on line that says you seem so smart and intelligent or creative, after only three sentences.  But I can write a whole blog post about people who make blatant assumptions about character without feeling you out through dialogue first.  So if I'm miserable I'm not looking for a pick me up with chirpy optimism.  Chances are I need actual real advice that can take me forward at some point in life.  Maybe not now, but when I'm faced with this situation again your words will help me through.

So go ahead and live in your world.  The place where the sun shines everyday and never rains on your parade.  But when all the plants that cant live in harsh light die, and desert heat scorches them before they can adapt to dessert life; you wont notice because to you the plants could be browner so at least they're not that brown so it's okay.  I on the other hand will live over here in the real world.  I will understand that somethings get better and somethings never will, and it's more acceptance than trying to force myself to believe they will get better that will help me survive.  It is this acceptance that allows me to deal with hard times and cry when I need to and learn to tough it out when I cant.  Because if it never improves then how will I learn to move on and grow if I keep telling myself it will.  I'll be stuck in one spot constantly waiting for my optimism tree to grow fruit that will never be.  When if I used this and learned I could just grow another tree and move forward in life.

So today I wake up.  Healthy and fine.  And I think "it's been thirty years," how many times must I force my self to be happy with the same old things.  When will I reach the point when I want and yearn for something more.  Is it so wrong for me to just once wish I had something new to be happy about, something new to hate, just anything besides the same old thing.  I think not.

Looking out my window into the now no longer sunny sky, I see it has changed it's gown and so-like the weather-adaptable should be I.  I will not be happy with my same old same.  Today I say waking up is not enough.  And it may not be enough tomorrow either.

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