Sunday, 11 October 2015

I'm Not Sorry

I've been meaning to write a blog for some time but truth be told I'm disheartened by this whole author thing.  I sometimes wonder why I do it.  I live perpetually in a world where all I do is sing and preach and stress over this author dream that I can't honestly say I whole heartedly believe in.  I sometimes wonder if all my enthusiasm is real or just a facade to hide much deeper issues.  Depression, anxiety, loneliness.  As if my drive and passion for my art is only a form of distraction from the truth that I am just generally, genuinely, and grotesquely unhappy with myself as a human being.  I don't really love life--well my life to be exact.  But that's neither here or there at present.  By the end of this blog post who knows I may totally contradict this first paragraph because this paragraph actually has nothing to do with what I set out to write when I started.  But the following will.

I just watched The Falls.  A movie about two Mormons coming to terms with their homosexuality.  Generally I am rather disappointed with glbt movies.  I always feel like some sort of agenda is being forced on me to understand.  This movie however didn't make me feel that way.  Much like Beautiful Thing didn't either.  I like to watch movies that read like they are just movies, and if there is an agenda it should be subtly placed somehow so I don't really know it's there and thus it sneaks into my subconscious and effects me in a lasting way.  I'm usually almost always put out by the ending of the movies and novels of said genre as well.  But again this movie done what I try to do with my books.  I have gay leads.  I may or may not be gay myself (I am but that's not the point) I'm also black and have a christian upbringing.  None of these things should dictate how I write.  I should be able to write a book like, Stephen King, Rowling, Sydney Sheldon, Agatha Christi, George R. R. Martin, Alex Baldwin, Maya Angelou, and not have to be camp, or be christian, or be gay, or be black or any combo of them.   I should be able to write the exact same books and exchange the straight leads for gay leads.  And i've hit a point where everyone keeps telling me i'm barking up the wrong tree like a dog who can't climb and will never get the squirrel even though the squirrel isn't running away.  What I am saying is I should be able to write a book and all things like my sexual preference, race religion and such should be totally irrelevant.  In fact my first three books were decidedly straight on purpose specifically because I myself am not.

I want to write books where you can make my leads straight and they would still have the exact same impact.  And I as yet have no idea if I've failed miserably or succeeded because no one will read them because they know enough about me to dictate my books aren't enough of 'me' to read.  Not gay straight black or christian influenced.  Not erotic camp or talking about deep-seated race or glbt issues enough.  So I'm stuck in writing limbo being told to write which is a nice way of saying I shouldn't be writing what I am writing.

What is the point of setting out to be an author who just writes good books if I have to have some sort of agenda to push based on my race culture or sexual preference.  Why do I have to stylize them a certain way because of these things.  

I'm sorta over trying to get the not-so-straight people to buy into my books with gay leads as opposed to actually obvious 'gay' books.  I'm over the whole ethnic I'm black so I must write more of that 'black' stuff.  And i'm so over this spilling into my personal life.  I'm black and I like boys.  Therefore I'm gay and black. There is no other thing that I am and the fact that I don't eat, drink, think, compose or cary myself in anyones predetermined ideals or ideas of what a man in my category should be doesn't change the truth.  That I am still in that category.  And furthermore there are lots of people out there who aren't accepted in the box they actually belong in because the people in that box refuse to allow anything outside of what they think into it.  

I have no intentions of upping my gayness.  No intentions of hiding in any closets either because I'm not gay enough.  No intentions of disowning my christian upbringing even if I become an atheist there are still things in there that will always be there that I can't deny made me who I am.  So no denying christian because I'm not christian enough.  I wont bow down to any of the things people keep telling me I should be because they refuse to accept that I can be just like them while also being completely different.  I'm not a clone. And I also refuse to bow down to these same things in my writing.  It's clear I will never make it.  It's been proven over and over again my work isn't gay, black, christian, or intellectual enough to match my apparent personality type.  But I don't care.  And I don't appologise and I'm putting it in writing for the world to see.  I will continue to write books stylized like the books I enjoy reading which are written mostly by straight people and just switch out the straight for gay characters.  I'm not going to attempt to be more gay, for anyone, more straight because of the fact I won't be more gay, more black because I'm brown skinned or more christian because that's what's expected of me.

I am what I am and I am a perfect combination of all the above, and more.  And no matter how much I may hate myself, or my life or even contemplate ending it all,  I will never hate it enough to sell myself out just to sell another book to fit in with the literary world or my actual physical world.  I've come to the realisation that I just don't care enough about what other people care about me.  I'm working on loving me the way I want someone else to love me and that does not involve living up or adjusting to others preconceived expectations but rather paving my own identity.  And I actually do like the one that seems to be appearing.  

I feel like the main character at the end of this movie.  I was raised to believe I was part of something.  That I belonged to something much bigger than I am.  That there were multiple communities in which I would be accepted to without question just for being human and ultimately it is those very people that I have the hardest time being accepted by.  Straight white people usually love me the most.  And as disheartening as it may be to come to this realisation, I don't care.  I'm okay with that.  Just as this character said... I"m not sorry.  I won't ever be sorry for being me.  If I never ever amount to being more than the pot-washer that I am.  If I never make even one person's life change from my writings and the world and all the sects of it that I do belong to never accept me because I don't fit entirely into their guidelines, I still won't care.  There wont be an apology coming from me anytime soon.  I"m not sorry and I won't ever be sorry for being who I am.  The gay black, depressive, Christian grounded if not actually christian, anxious, sometimes delusional, writer, singer, songwriter, musician and I will be all of these things the way I choose and not the way anyone else in those areas tells me I should be.

Why?  Because if nothing comes of anything that I do, I get something from what I do.  I learn me more.  I grow more.  I discover the me I am more through what I do for good or for bad, and yes I do secretly pray that someone will want to discover or at least fall in love with the me I've discovered and am discovering still.  All these things that being myself help me to do are more than enough to keep on doing.  So I guess one person is affected by what I do and that person is me.  And that is nothing to be sorry about.  So I wont be.

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