Sunday, 13 September 2015

Achievement Not Unlocked

I failed.  What did I fail at you might ask.  Well I guess I should start of with the truth.  That is that I lied.  I post a lot about me trying to become a full-time author.  Buy my books and blah blah blah and though that may be true.  It's a little disingenuous.  I've quite literally only had one real goal.  To help my mom buy a house.  Unlike all those 100k and 200k houses we see on HGTV all the time in 21.5 square mile Bermuda, an average let alone amazing house usually goes for around 500-750K and that's basic.  Like the one you get cause you can't afford anything else type basic.  Most are closer to 1million and beyond.  That's something we could never afford in this lifetime.  So I've  secretly been hoping at best, six books in that maybe just maybe I could quite possibly at the very least hit enough even if I had to give everything I had to do it.  I as of now, after astronomical cell bills, trying to promote books and the like, and two credit bills that i'm trying to get rid of, phone bill that will be turned of on tuesday but cleared on thursday, in full.  It's payday thursday.  Wordy sentence aside as of today I have zero in the bank and hardly noticeable book sales.

I've spent since last november around 15K to make a cd.  Somehow managed to pay my phone bill up to date until now(two months overdue), keep the credit association of my back and that doesn't included the 500 monthly rent i've been paying since march I believe.  So basically roughly 20000 i've spent in under a year because it is not november yet for what?  A flatline bank account no book sales and a CD that I probably wont have until next year.  I Can honestly say that today I've hit that point where all the haters, where everyone says why do you do it if you make no money, where the sane people of the world who don't chase their dreams look at you like your nuts have been at for years.  They all make sense now.  If i add up all the money lost, spent on books, editing them and not making my money back and various other things.  Plus the three thousand for that song competition in 2015 shit… I"d have enough to do something with.

In case you missed it.  I chased a dream in hopes of giving my mom the one thing I knew without massive amounts of cash, and the college degree and good job I don't have, I could not give and it pretty much backfired.  In hindsight, i wouldn't have tried to sell a single book.  I wouldn't have made a cd.  I would've just been logical and said save save save.  That's the smart way to do it.  I'd have a good 50000 plus saved in all the years i've been working by now.  The problem is that wouldn't be anywhere near what we would need for a normal house in Bermuda.  I needed much much more.  I needed this dream to actually work, and I was determined.  But at age 34 with nothing to show I'm no longer feeling it is worth it anymore.

So yeah I'm bitter.  Angry depressed.  I'm typing a new book as we speak and you know what.  It may very well be my last.  When my new book Virgil came out in two weeks I hit over 400 views and not one single sale.  I stopped pushing.  400 and no sales i don't have the emotional strength for those type of odds.  Just recently i entered a modeling competitions.  I barley got 200 likes.  To date i have over 1000 views in just one week and a half of posting that blog post, and still under 200 likes.  The reality of the situation is I live in a world were no one supports people who don't follow the path that they followed.  

Okay, I told a teeny fib.  Let the universe to believe that i have all these super dreams of being an author but in reality knew that even with a lifetime i just don't make enough to help buy my mother a house.  It just made the most logical sense.  I'm an artist.  There's money in art.  If i keep at it it will pay back eventually right?  

The irony is the thing that should've gotten me my ultimate goal took it away, and double irony my mom was one of those saying i should save my money, yes we've fought about it before but me being the bold i'm going to be an artist artist just got frustrated like you don't get anything without sacrifice.  And now if she came to me because something within our price range magically fell out of the sky i can honestly say that yeah...  This is definitely true.  I sacrificed and we wouldn't be getting anything for it. 

It's time to reevaluate, and before she should leave this world at the very least we should be living in something she owns whether it's finished being paid off or not.  And this artist thing.  Fun as it is will probably no longer be in effect.  I have a poetry blog, this blog, and a book review blog.  I have enough avenues to get my write on that are free and stress free.  And the more I think about it the more I feel it's just time.  After I get out this seventh book that will be that.  I will have four books on sale.  I have no desire to write another one unless I actually start selling some, otherwise I have a more important dream to reach and that dream requires money in the bank.  No second CD, no more Books, and if i take vacations they will probably have to be stay-cations.  All i need is rest anyway and I live on an island with beach.  I'll be fine.  Just fine  And each day from the end of november forward will be one more step in the direction I should've been going for the past fourteen years.  And I already feel amazingly good about it.

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