Monday, 15 June 2015

What's That Got to do with it

So I'm single.  And this is me.  A work in I despise the gym progress.  But i do it anyway.  Personally in comparison to all the other guys in the gym I'm far from even anything moderately close to impressive.  The good thing there is I don't care.  The only person who needs to be happy is me.  But that's not what this post is about anyway.  

Anyone who has ever bitched about being single and then had someone tell you  something like, you're too cute to be single.  Or you don't smile in a picture and they're like 'you're too hot not to be smiling'. Oh and my favourite just being plain old depressed with life, 'you're too attractive to be sad'.  Fuck Fuck and Fuck.  What is wrong with people?  It doesn't matter if your short, tall fat, skinny, rich poor or a freakn muscle god--we are all human and perfectly susceptible to all things human.  Our attractiveness level has nothing to do with it.  It has nothing to do with it the same way money can't buy happiness either.   I"m just so done with people assuming that telling others that they are beautiful is the end all to be all and suddenly all their real life problems will melt into the abyss of 'but you're beautiful so you cant possibly have problems' sea.  So please, everyone, for the love of all things that make sense, and for all the people out there who are tired of the insensitive morons telling them things like this, just shut the fuck up.  

We are, again, all human and aesthetics aren't going to magically zap away problems.  This is the real world.  So yeah I'm depressed.  Bitter sometimes.  And most days I hate myself so much I have to force myself to be part of the normal breathing human society.   The last thing I need is for someone to point out that I'm just too adorable to be unhappy or upset.  When did the world just up and get filled with complete and total idiots.  The type of people who say 'you think you got it bad but in this country people have no food'.  So, are you going to walk up to the person with no food and say they think they've got it bad but four blocks down there's someone with no food and a missing foot?  And then will you say to the person with a missing foot that there's someone starving missing too arms and no access to clean water.  How long will you try to down play the seriousness of someones anguish in order to wish away their genuine pain.  When do you stop take a step back and realise that there will always be someone worse off but that has nothing to do with the person's present problem and it's relative severity.  Again, just get of your insensitive high horse and shut the fuck up.

That's the point I"m at now.  Where so many things are going on that should make me sublimely happy yet I'm hiding out in bathrooms, falling asleep on the job from being mentally exhausted with life.  I should have a certain body type by now that I don't have because well, life keeps getting in the way.  Can't afford to keep up the diet that will make me happy, not hot shit, just happy with how I eat.  Hotness is a nice side effect but i just want to eat as much of food that i genuinely enjoy it just happens to be good for me.   I hate to my very core my job.  I'm tired of everything really.  I just don't want to be me.  Two books floating out there on the internet and no sales, or money in the bank.  Stuck on an island with hypocritical assholes.  Their latest foray is all of the christian hating on Bermuda carnival, the devils music they say.  Clothing too reveling.  Too much gyrations.  Blah Blah blah.  The people come together to get their Soca music groove on, there are no fights, no drunken this, no gun shots fired, just fun and togetherness, and they be bitchn.  That's another post in itself and one of the many reasons I hate this stupid rock called Bermuda.  And I can't leave as yet. I have a musical that will fail.  A Cd with only seven tracks and I can't afford three more to hit ten but I have no choice but to do it cause I can't have a 7 track Album.  That's just ridiculous poor man or not.  And some days I wish I had the time to cry, I don't and not for lack of trying.  Life just gets in the way of that too.  And some days I wish I just had someone to go home to that i could have time to cry on who would just let me and not bog me down with trying to make it all better until after I'd finally had my long overdue breakdown.  Hopefully he will offer me cheesecake.  It solves all the things.

When I'm here, as i am a good 8 days a week, I don't need the world telling me I'm too beautiful to be depressed.  Enough with the stupid already.  I'm not stupid enough to think that that's the reason and you saying that to me is the quickest way to make me not like you so if you're trying to get naked with me, you just killed your chance, and if you are trying to date me, hell it's never ever going to happen now.  Yeah I'm like that, and I'm unconcerned with anyone who has a problem with it.  I'd rather die alone depressed and miserable than pander to the stupid demands of society.  I just don't care enough.  So I will continue everytime someone says things like this to me to say, 'what the fuck does that have to do with anything' and I do not care what your opinion of me is.  That's your issue not mine.  I may be far from perfect, but I"m okay with that.  I'm a work in progress, and this work in progress is past the point of putting up with your bullshit.  I just don't care enough and I have better things to do than explain to you just why what you are saying is at a level of dumbassness that even a five year old can comprehend.  I am miserable, depressed, angry, lonely, bitter, and a whole lot of other not so good things, but I accept this phase in my life, and hope it will pass at some point.  But you?  Unless you are coming at me with something that is going to enhance my existence, no i do not have enough space in my emotional warehouse to give a fuck that you think I should just shut up and be happy.  I'm not dusting of a shelf for you.

So hate me, think I'm overreacting, consider me an angry gay black men.  Label me however you want.  Just know that I don't care and it will be a cold day in hell before I allow you the power to control my emotional state.  I"m already fucked up too much to care enough to allow you that kind of control.  So step up and be about something, then maybe I might dust of a shelf in my warehouse and start to care about you.  Otherwise.  Just shut the fuck up.

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