Saturday, 4 April 2015

I'm Human Dammit

“Yeah the fact that I’m not out is always a problem,” I listened to the line, well in my head I was texting someone who said they had like the maddest crush on me and we were talking about dating and stuff like that.  It was never going to happen.  They were not out.  But they seemed nice enough to be a friend with.  And furthermore hot enough to have crazy animal wild beastly sex with.  And we were having normal conversation which is a rarity amongst most guys who hit me up.  Apparently the only sentences in existence are the type that explain the sexual deeds one wants to do to me. That is a blog post all on it's own--soon come.  Back to the point though, I’m reading this line thinking what is wrong with these people.  They are always so genuinely shocked this is a problem.  Fucking idiots.

They honestly don’t get it.  Could you imagine if a man told his girl I’m madly in love with you but we have to pretend to be just friends in public. I will not cuddle or show any real affection accept when we are in my apartment.  And you can only show up at these times because I don’t want neighbors to know that we are dating.  Oh and if my parents ever show up.  You’re just a friend.  And could you be more like other girls so things don’t look suspicious.  Just be normal when other people are around, you're not girly enough.  I don't want them question that I might actually be straight.

If that shit went down there would be a lot of really lonely women out there.  Looking for normal men.  Hell there are support groups for women who sell their identity to be with a man.  It's clear that it is not acceptable.  Yes it does happen, but we are more willing to call the guy an asshole for not loving her just as is and let her cry on our shoulder and try to build her back up to where she was before this moron came and broke her down. Apparently the moment the sexes are changed its just fucking acceptable for a guy to completely and totally change himself give up his entire existence and just deal with stupidity because the other guy is the 'real' man and his own identity is now completely unimportant.  It’s their job to bend to your rules.  And it’s their fault for not subjecting to your slavemasterisms.  Yes.  That is the worst part.  These ‘man’ (i know it should be men, relax grammar Nazis) think it’s the other guys fault for not respecting their guidelines.  They want you to be half a person or less because they are less than half a man themselves.  This is a whole new level of selling your soul.  At least in the female example they actually are whole beings, just assholes.  In this case they are not acceptant of themselves and hence want you to share their self loathing.

Let me break it down for everyone.  Let me tell you what you’re saying.  You are saying that there is something wrong with people who want to be themselves.  You are saying that men do not have the right to have whole relationships.  They don’t deserve to have someone they can actually say 'Yes.  We are dating' with.  They don’t deserve someone who wont force them to leave an empty seat between them in the theater and will only go to the movies if they are sure ahead of time that it won’t be too full--no new movies.  You are saying they cant ever walk down the street with  you unless there are more than just the two of you so it doesn’t look like a date.  You’re saying that just living together in the four walls of your apartment and only on the days that you have preordained and only at the times that you have decided are acceptable is supposed to be enough.  You’re saying that there is something wrong with liking men but yet you don’t want to date women.  You are saying because you are dating the boogeyman in your closet that your needs are what’s more important. 

In case anyone missed the point of the last paragraph.  What these people are saying is that there is something wrong with being gay.  This is why they have to hide their gayness.  Some of them don’t even fuck women anymore yet they are still hiding their gayness.  And there is something wrong with gay men who don’t hate themselves.  Who aren’t hiding.  And who refuse to date them because they themselves are hiding.  One more time for you,

They are saying that they dislike themselves and anyone who doesn't is the weirdo--not them. 

This is bullshit at its best.

Here’s some more insight.  You hate yourself.  Just admit it.  You don’t like being gay.  Because you have chosen not to accept your gaynes, you are now in a situation that cuts you off from having a real relationship and because you are a self loathing bitch you want the people who love themselves to be one too.  And when they do say yes and become unhappy, when things get ugly and they threaten to leave.  You make them feel like they don’t understand.  Like they are the asshole.  Its their fault you hate yourself and they don’t understand and couldn’t possibly really love with you if they wont put up with your shit and wait for you to come out of the closet-- a closet which you have no intentions of coming out of.  And it doesn’t even bother you that you’ve forced a human being to be less then whole because you put yourself in the perpetual state of self loathing.  You are telling people they are not human.

That’s it plain and simple.  Because they are comfortable in their own skin and you care more about what people think about you than you do about being a whole human you must make others feel your shame.  Hate yourself on your own.  And if you cant deal with the shit, start fucking women again and be straight.  But it is not the gay man’s fault that you are too much of a punk ass to be yourself.  Deciding to not sleep with women anymore and still be in the closet is just stupid.  It’s the worst closet variety.  They aren’t even pretending to be straight and still expect you to date them covert style.

And so all the DL peeps that read this don’t miss the point I am not saying it will be easy.  Some people will hate you.  Some close friends, some family, your life may change a bit, but some people wont give a fuck.  Some people will stay.  And some new friends will arise that you didn’t even know you had.  Yes it will be difficult.  It may take a while, even over a year to adjust to accepting the whole you.  But that’s the point.  Anything worth doing is difficult.  More so, anyone who can not accept who you are as you are, you don’t need them.  It’s like holding on to a toxic friendship.  You are either moving forward or you are not.  Anyone not helping you to become a better person needs to be cut.  Is it that simple, yes.  Is it easy, oh hell no.  It will never be easy you just make the choice do it and suck it up.  And, just so we are clear, if you want to not be out, that is just fine, that is your choice.  This is not a cry for all the gay boys to claim their homosexuality.  What this is, is this,

'In a relationship, straight gay or other, people share their hearts souls, and their very essence into the far reaches of the universe and everyone knows, without them ever having to tell a single soul.  Because that kind of connection just glows.  The point being made here, is that you can stay where you are, but expecting someone who has endured the pain, the ridicule, the public shaming, the hate and bigotry and hypocrisy and still managed to come out on top the better because of it, to ask them to go back to the point you are at, and then get mad because they demand, no they need more, now that is what's not cool.  By all means never come out of the closet,  find another closet person to date and don't make someone feel like their daily and consistent struggle to be who they are is worthless because they cant be a whole dating human being if they date you.' 

People should just be freaking honest.  Just admit you are uncomfortable in your own skin, that you do care about friendships you may lose and stop using these things as excuses.  Call it exactly what it is.  There is nothing at all wrong with being afraid.  We all are.  There is a certain amount of comfort in fear and ignoring it's existence.  It only becomes a problem when the self loathing this fear causes is deflected on other people. At some point you need to face your fears and deal with it and try to be whole.  The problem is they don’t want to be.  They think it’s okay to not be a full person, and they think it’s even more okay to force someone to live their self loathing life and top it off with making them feel bad for not understanding their punk ass needs.  They think it's okay to say 'the fact that I'm not out is always a problem' to out males and not see just what it is they are saying about that person.  If you want to date then it's a two way road and them wanting more is not a problem.  You not being able to give it, also not a problem.  The problem arises again when you make it seem like they aren't sympathetic to your needs and are therefore the problem and they should just date you in the shadows.  Now you've created a problem from your own problems that this person doesn't have and now must be forced to share with you.

Is it really that hard to just accept the fact that you have issues with your own sexuality and deal with it.  Yup it is.  The other truth is they have no intentions of fixing it, as stated in last paragraph.  They are happy as is, and those that are out believe that they really are the problem.  So both sides of the coin are perfectly okay with the status quo except one side is slowly eroding do to lack of fulfillment and the promise of more while the other side is buffed and shiny with no intentions of giving more and happy with what it is.  Both people are believing the hype but only one person is losing out.  By them deciding it’s okay to hide and by not understanding why other people don’t want to join them, they are saying whole people are not human.  They are wrong.

All of us have made the step to go forward through fear.  Not without it.  And the struggle is real, every day.  All of this doesn't make us less human but it does say a lot about the level of respect you have for another person that you have the audacity to be upset and not even understand on a basic level what your demands say about the other person, and in turn about you as well.

So one more time you are saying that they are not human.  And you’re wrong.  You’re wrong.  YOU'RE WRONG!

They are very very human.  And most importantly whole.  Which is something you’re okay not being.  So go and be less than half human all by yourself.  And start having a relationship with your computer/laptop and your hand.  Cause we are human and fuck you if you choose not to be.  Well not literally... go fuck yourself.  That’s more accurate.

Humans of the world unite! Fuck the rest of them.

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